mush, mush, mush

Ya know, I'm really not a mushy person.

Even after 13 years of being together I get a little shy of public displays of affection.

I'm not a touchy-feely person...although if I'm drunk...watch out...I'll be hugging everyone nonstop while giggling incessantly.

I cannot sleep cuddled up or even with anyone touching me.

I usually sit on the opposite side of the couch when my husband and I are watching t.v.

And, dammit, I do not like ballads.

But this morning, I'm mushy gawdammit!

I got up early of my own volition to see the husband off from work and I'm sittin' here listening to one of the very few ballads that I actually like. It's Stevie Wonder's "I Believe". It doesn't get much more corny that that. (Some of you may recognize it from the end of the movie High Fidelity.

And holy shit is it the mushiest of mush and *so* not my style but I've listened to it about 3 times now.

I'm mulling over something that happened last night between my husband and I and I just cannot help but be absolutely amazed at the love I have for this man.

I swear he understands me better than I understand myself sometimes.

Gawd I love him.

Prodigy - Voodoo People (Pendulum Remix)

This video is fucked up.

I like the music but, damn, I can't decide whether the video just makes me ill or whether I find it fascinating in a sick sort of way.

It's like I want to pscho-analyse the whole thing...

Damaged Soul

That's what I am.

I cannot get a handle on things at the moment.

I don't know if it's just hormones or coming off one of my meds, or just the same old whining I always do.

Lately I'm back to having more dark moods than anything else.

I'm not suicidal but I'm starting to think that everyone and everything would just be better off without me.

I'm a waste of a good life.

Millions would kill to be in the position that I'm in, but no, nothing is ever good enough for me and I appreciate nothing.

It's no fucking wonder I loathe myself. I'm one of those goddamn emo whiners that I can't stand.

Why am I so fucked up?

Why am I so incredibly selfish and self-indulgent all the time?

I don't have the right to be the way that I am.

All I know is that I'm choking on the darkness inside and lately the pain gets worse everyday.

The walls are closing in.

The universe in my head

My existence and the universe as I know it are all in my head.

No one else shares my perceptions or my experiences, or even my reality for that matter.

We are all alone in the universe.

We are all bubbles that float through the air sometimes bouncing off each other with only our surface tension holding our lives together.

Certain bubbles are somehow stronger and are able to float through space for a long time. Other bubbles are weaker and cannot survive this world as they burst, extinguishing all traces of their simple beauty.

My reality is incapsulated within my bubble. It is all I know.

When I die, my reality dies with it. Space and time cease to exist. The bubble has burst and will touch no others.

Throughout my life I continue to struggle with these concepts. I cannot fathom how human beings can feel so connected and yet remain so existentially separate.

How do we know what is real? Is there a deeper level of understanding beyond sentience that we have not achieved as of yet?

When I think of my reality and how it relates to the universe, I am often left feeling as though I have just woken from a dream that is forgotten as soon as I become fully awake and aware. I know that I had a dream...the imprint of dreaming on our awareness is unmistakable. The details and concepts of the dream, however, have slipped through my grasp leaving only confusion and a sense of loss.

Is this the price of existence? To constantly feel that something is at the tip of our tongues? To constantly know that there are things we may never understand?

I guess the question is...does accepting the things you will never understand leave you hollow and wanting, or does it fill you will comfort and determination?

Some days I really wish I believed in something because it seems to me that faith would make my universe just a little easier.

For now I'll just float.

Miscellaneous Whining

Totally bummed out today.

Don't know why.

Probably the same old story...

Seriously, why do I even exist???

Mount Fuji

Not only is it hot...

But MOTHERFUCKING GOD, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK WITH THE FUCKING GODDAMN ZITS AL-FUCKIN'-READY!!!!

MY FACE NEVER LOOKED THIS FUCKING GODAWFUL EVEN WHEN I WAS A PISSY FUCKIN' TEENAGER!!!

I USED TO HAVE SKIN THAT LOOKED LIKE PORCELAIN NOW I'VE GOT A NEW FUCKIN' MOUNT FUJI EVERY FUCKIN' WEEK SO MY FACE IS NEVER CLEAR OF ANY GODDAMN FUCKING ZITS OR FUCKIN' SCARS.

HOSTIES DE POURRIS DE CALICE DE TABERNACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(yes, I'm irritated at the moment)

And one more thing.....

THE SEATBELT LIGHT IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10th Wedding Anniversary

Ten years ago today our ceremony had the following reading:

Apache Wedding Blessing

Now you will feel no rain,
For each of you will be shelter to the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
For each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there is no more loneliness,
For each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two bodies,
But there is only one life before you.
Go now to your dwelling place
To enter into the days of your togetherness
And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

Most days it feels like it's just me and him against the world, but I'll take all the struggle there is if it means I get to share my life with him.

I love you babe, and I always will.

Here's to many more decades...