Self-destructive behaviour

Just working through some personal shit here...nobody panic. Sometimes you just have to write it out, ya know?

Everytime things start getting better I have to sabotage it in some way.

What is it about some people (ie. me) that makes them unable to just let things be good.

I fell into my old self-destructive habits again tonight. I have a couple of good days, then, bam, right back at it again. Maybe that's part of what I like about bondage. When I'm in bondage, I can't fuckin' do anything to myself.

Not that I do anything serious...I really don't. It's just stuff that makes me ashamed and makes me want to hide away from the world.

I'd like to think there's some perfectly acceptable excuse for the things I do, but no...I'm just simply trying to fuck things up for myself.

I do this for two main reasons:

1. It's what I've been doing for decades and even though I'm making life harder on myself...somehow it makes more sense this way.

2. I get scared of people really knowing me so I give myself excuses to hide away from the world.

Both reasons are fucked.
I know it.
But it still doesn't seem to stop me.

I'm stronger than this.
I'm not as selfish as this.

I WILL stop doing this.