When does it fall away?
I watched a movie this morning.
It was just one of those relationship movies. You know the type...friends become lovers...someone screws up...they both learn from mistakes...they get back together and have a happy ending.
Part of the plot of the movie was that the lead female character's mother committed suicide way back when. At one point in the movie, the father and daughter (female lead) have a heart to heart because they both feel responsible for the mother's suicide.
Cut to Mandie in tears.
I still feel responsible for my father's death.
No matter how much I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, there's still this part of me that thinks I didn't try hard enough to get through to him.
And it's crippling me.
When does it all fall away? When do I start to really believe myself when I say that I couldn't have done anything to make him want to keep on living?
I know it's changed me. I know it's paralyzing me.
I know he wouldn't want me to live this way.
But I don't know how to make it stop.
I don't know how to stop blaming myself.
I don't know how to stop hurting.
It was just one of those relationship movies. You know the type...friends become lovers...someone screws up...they both learn from mistakes...they get back together and have a happy ending.
Part of the plot of the movie was that the lead female character's mother committed suicide way back when. At one point in the movie, the father and daughter (female lead) have a heart to heart because they both feel responsible for the mother's suicide.
Cut to Mandie in tears.
I still feel responsible for my father's death.
No matter how much I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, there's still this part of me that thinks I didn't try hard enough to get through to him.
And it's crippling me.
When does it all fall away? When do I start to really believe myself when I say that I couldn't have done anything to make him want to keep on living?
I know it's changed me. I know it's paralyzing me.
I know he wouldn't want me to live this way.
But I don't know how to make it stop.
I don't know how to stop blaming myself.
I don't know how to stop hurting.
posted by Amanda at 1:28 PM
3 Comments:
Its not your fault babe. He chose his own path.
Loves ya ... mwah ,
Mandie - I don't want to cheapen how you are feeling by saying anything cliche, but at the risk of doing just that, there truly isn't anything you could have done more for your dad. It's so hard to try to help someone who either doesn't want to be helped, or can't admit that they should be doing something different. The only thing that you could have done for your dad is what you did your entire life: love him. I know your dad was proud of you and loved you so so much, and you're right - he wouldn't want you to live feeling like you are in any way at fault.
So, instead of dwelling on what you think you should or could have done differently, think about and relish what you did do for him - love him for who he was, and now remember him for what he meant to you.
I love you very much.
I love you too Lynnie, thank you.
Hugs!
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