Post Secret Oct. 29, 2006

I haven't learned this lesson yet.

Red shoes make me happy

One day, these will be mine.

Didn't get a chance to say goodbye

Well, my best friend is off to live in Switzerland today and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

It's my own damn fault really.

I'd been putting off calling her partly because of denial, and partly because I know she was busy as hell trying to get ready to go.

What kind of friend am I that I didn't call to say goodbye?

I called this morning, but I'm sure by then it was too late...there was no answer.

I wish I could have been there to see her off with a hug.

Gaaah...I'm mopey and depressed again.

Hopefully she emails me all her new contact info soon so I can call her.

I'm sad.

"She paints her face to hide her face"

I finally saw Memoirs of a Geisha this morning.

I'm so glad that I didn't hear much about the movie other than how good it was because I got to see it with mostly fresh eyes. I did see part of it already, but at least no one had really told me the plot so it was a treat to watch the story unfold before my eyes.

The beauty, the grace, the hollow shell of a woman who is only living to please others... Not a life I would ever want for myself, but such a moving story nonetheless.

Oh my god, it did the same thing to me that watching Pride and Prejudice does...makes me hold my breath, clutch at my throat, and sigh the most girly sigh you can imagine.

I needed that.

For now, the Great Mope has gone on pause.

I just want to get all dolled up, be uber-feminine, and be *gasp* demure.

Ok, well I really don't know if I can pull the demure part off but just the idea of it makes me all gushy.

Anyways, the point is, I decided to treat myself this morning.

After dropping the hubby off for work, I came back, made myself a huge cup of nice strong, sweet coffee, listened to the siren call of the cupcakes on the fridge, and settled in to watch a movie.

Coffee, cupcakes, and geishas.

Oh yes.

Alliteration would have been nice there, but it just wasn't in the cards

Now I'm going to sing along to music and bead a pearl and garnet necklace that's just for me...not gonna sell it.

Hell, I may even wear it someday too.

I have a feeling there will be no new scars today.

war

Fuckin' depressed and feeling alone.

Bah.

Even loners get lonely sometimes.

I feel this insatiable need for attention right now but I just despise the fact that I'm so fuckin' needy at the moment.

Thus, enter the deluge of self-loathing and wallowing.

My whole body is a shrine to self-loathing and it's sickening.

I'm at war and my enemy is the person in the mirror.

Under the Tusken Sun

Hahaha

My inner voice...

...has such a potty mouth!

Delerium- Aria

Love it.

of frogs, wobble cats, and angel feathers

My Mom and sister came down to visit for the weekend. It's the first time I've seen them both at the same time in over six months!

I have to say that I enjoy having them both here at the same time much more than when they visit by themselves. My mom and sister both drive me crazy but having them both here for the weekend eased the awkwardness and it felt a lot like the fun times we all used to have at our weekly family dinners.

We did lunch and shopping in Port Perry and my mom, who was just dying to see the place, was in heaven.

In one of the antique stores, we found a display of porcelain frogs that just made us laugh. They were 3 for $7.50 so, of course, we had to buy them. I mean where else can you get 3 frogs for $7.50, right?

They also had porcelain wobble animals too. They're sort of like a bobble head but the whole body wobbles on them. I especially loved this orange striped cat with a computer mouse hanging out of it's mouth and these big bug eyes so we bought that too. It seems all the elephants in my house are going to have to make room for 3 silly frogs and a wobble cat!

Next we headed into a store whose sole purpose was to sell angels and fairies. Just like I have a thing for elephants, my mom has a thing for angels so this store was like heroin for her.

The best part about the angel store wasn't my mom jonesin' to buy every single angel in the joint...it was my grumpy-ass husband.

The lady who runs the store was walking around handing out these little white, downy feathers and telling people that they were angel feathers. Corny, I know, but it was still a sweet thing to do.

I mean who doesn't want to play with a white downy feather???

It's not like the feather was going to somehow infect the person with the 10 commandments and a warm, happy, goodwill towards men or anything.

Well, she gets to my husband who immediately launches into how he doesn't believe in all this angel stuff and how it's all too religious for him.

You should have seen the look on the poor woman's face.

It was a combination of abject disappointment that she'd somehow found a lost soul, and utter surprise that she must have somehow opened a portal to hell because why else would one of Satan's spawn be in her store.

I can just see this woman on her deathbed muttering, "if only he'd taken the feather..."

Anyhow, it was a good weekend with 3 frogs and a wobble cat named Chester to show for it.

And one angel feather.

It's mine and he can't have it.

I'm eruditer than you'll ever be!

On one of the internet forum boards I'm addicted to, this guy tried to make a joke which backfired on him.

He substitued the word "bare" for the word "bear" and tried to explain that he was making a pun. Well, suffice to say, the pun just didn't work. It came off like he honestly didn't know the difference between the two words and he was told as much in the responses to his forum post.

One of his many petulant responses was to say, "I'm eruditer than you'll ever be."

I fucking love it.

I want a t-shirt with that written in elegant script right across my boobs.

Anyone want a pic?

Of the inside of my purse?

This morning after I dropped my husband off I heard my cell phone making noise in my purse.

By the time I realized what was going on, it had taken 6 pictures of the inside of my purse.

Fuck-All

Did fuck-all today.

Sat on the couch and watched the 4 or so hour long version of Pride and Prejudice. Loved it.

Now I sit here thinking of how much things have changed since we moved.

The stress of this new place and his new job are taking a toll on him, and I think it's taking a toll on us.

Problem is, there are no easy answers.

Everything is so different back home now that I don't know if it would help or depress me even more if we ended up moving back there.

My Mom and Sister are visiting this weekend. It'll be the first time I spend time with them together in over 6 months. We've certainly come a long way from our family dinner every Sunday night. It'll be nice to see them but at the same time it'll remind me of a life that's gone...a life I'm trying so hard to put away and not think about.

It's like I don't want anything that reminds me of back home.

Shit, I still avoid making this place like a home. I don't keep it clean like I used too...sometimes dishes will sit in the kitchen for a couple of days before I'll get around to cleaning the mess up. I've also barely done any painting so most of the walls aren't even colours I'd choose for myself. There's even tons of boxes in the basement that we never opened.

I know it's because I'm feeling depressed. I just don't feel like doing anything.

It's hard to talk to him about it because he thinks that it's all his fault for moving us here.

It's not but I can't seem to convince him of that.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Half the time I feel like I'm losing him because he's so stressed and depressed. Is this what it's like to live with me???

Fuck, I'm so depressed tonight and there's fuck-all anyone can do about it.

Love this song

I don't know what's got into me lately. I never used to like electronica before but right now it seems I can't get enough of it.

This song is stuck in my head at the moment.

Full Moon by Robert Miles

My gushy, girly centre.

I'm not what you'd call feminine.

I never have been.

I've been blessed with the bone structure and the muscles of a gorilla (well, a short armed gorilla anyway). I can even do leg squats with my large husband on my back.

I do not have delicate feminine features.

Throughout most of my life I've had very short hair because of it's unruly nature.

I do not have a delicate female laugh, in fact, I've been known to snort if you get me laughing hard enough.

I sweat when I'm hot. And I'm not talking about a girly glow, I'm talking full on streams of sweat running down my face.

I have the grace of a bull in a china shop, especially when I'm nervous, which coincidently is most of the time.

I make jewelry but rarely wear it. To put jewelry on me often makes me feel like I'm draping a cow with finery.

And to top it off, I'm not given to mushiness or public displays of affection.

As a result, I often lament the fact that I don't feel feminine. I sometimes wish I could experience what it is like to be the slight, delicate female who can be picked up and manhandled by a strong masculine man.

But there are times when my girly, gushy centre swells and bursts forth in all it's femininity. There's just something about the works of Jane Austen that will make even the "butchest" of women quiver inside.

This morning I watched Pride and Prejudice and am left with the inescapable need to let slip a girly sigh. When Mr. Darcy tells Miss Elizabeth that she has, "bewitched him body and soul", I find myself clutching at my throat and holding my breath. I love it. I can't get enough of it.

Escaping into this world is the only time I feel like a woman.

*girly sigh*

Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line

Second favourite song of the moment!!

Zero 7 - Home

Favourite song of the moment!