What do you see?

What do you see when you close your eyes?

For as long as I can remember I see myself lying prone...naked... streaked with my own blood.

It's not an everyday thing, thank god, but it's just awful how it can hit me out of nowhere like a sucker punch to the gut.

Is this the visual representation of all my demons? My guilt? The things I try to hide from myself?

The compulsion is the worst part. It's like teetering on the edge of a subway platform with a voice whispering in my ear, "it's just one step...take it".

I see the blood in my head.

I see the knife nearby.

I feel the compulsion to make it real.

As if somehow a single, shallow slice will open up a vaccuum and suck out all of the darkness within me.

It's been months since I gave in.

-Just one slice...nice and shallow...no one will know.

-You'll feel better...really.

-Just enough blood to see it...that's all.

-You're nothing. You deserve the scars and the shame.

-It's your pennance. It's inevitable.

-It's the only way to feel alive and numb all at once.

-Just one slice...nice and shallow...no one will know.

Nope.

Not going to give in tonight either.

I win.