February always sucks

February is the cruellest month.

This February my aunt died.

February is also the month that my dad died.

The other day I found out that my sister is selling her house...the house we both grew up in.

I think it'll actually be a good thing in the long run but right now it feels like the last little bit of my tenous hold on the times when we were altogether and doing "better" is being sold.

Don't get me wrong...I had a fucked up childhood. But the times when it was good...it was really good.

Growing up very sheltered with a father that was the be-all and end-all of my universe and my Granpa living next door was absolutely wonderful at times. After my dad died we were still all together in a lot of ways. I moved into my Granpa's house right next door to my sister who still lived in our childhood home. Even though there were so many things that drove me nuts about living next door to my sister, I guess I still cherished the link to my family.

When I moved to a different city and sold my Granpa's house (in February by the way) , it was very hard on me. It was like a betrayal somehow...selling a house that had been in my family since before I was born.

It really didn't help that I grew up so sheltered. I was stunted in a way. I didn't do all of the "normal" things that other kids did. Spending time with my family was pretty much the only existence I knew. I didn't do a lot of the rebellious crap that most teenagers did...I also never even considered moving out on my own and getting my first apartment at the time when most of my peers were just bursting at the seams to be independent. I know it's not totally my fault...my father fostered the dependence since he needed us so much.

But I'm still paying for it now. My growth as a human being seems all the harder now because I'm older and I keep feeling like I should be able to let go of my childhood. I should be able to let go of my intense sadness of losing the houses I grew up in, and the one street I spent my entire life on. I have an abnormally strong connection to it all I think and I can't seem to let go of it.

When I moved, I still took some comfort in the fact that my sister was still living in our family home. Yeah she completely trashed it, but at least my family was still there in some way.

Now she's selling it. She has to...I really don't blame her and I think that it will be difficult but good for her in the end because she's just as emotionally stunted as I am.

But the last little bit...the last little connection to my father is slipping away.

I feel nothing but sadness lately. I know it's all situational with everything that's going on because my happy pills aren't even making a dent in it. I know it will get better but I still worry.

Will I always feel such darkness within me?

I have so many things to be happy about. I've got an incredible husband whom I adore, I've got dogs and cats that make me smile and laugh, and I've even made new friends where I live now.

Why is it never enough?

I've always been a firm believer that you may start out with crappy circumstances in life, but it is always your choice how you live your life as an adult. So why can't I seem to make the choice to let go and be happy now?

Some days it feels like there is no hope.

I want to believe that one day I'll stop being so selfish and I'll actually cherish the good things in my life instead of squandering them in a mass orgy of self-pity.

I'm so afraid that I'll only figure the whole thing out once it's too late.