Beady Amanda

mush, mush, mush

2007-08-14T11:14:00.000-04:00

Ya know, I'm really not a mushy person.

Even after 13 years of being together I get a little shy of public displays of affection.

I'm not a touchy-feely person...although if I'm drunk...watch out...I'll be hugging everyone nonstop while giggling incessantly.

I cannot sleep cuddled up or even with anyone touching me.

I usually sit on the opposite side of the couch when my husband and I are watching t.v.

And, dammit, I do not like ballads.

But this morning, I'm mushy gawdammit!

I got up early of my own volition to see the husband off from work and I'm sittin' here listening to one of the very few ballads that I actually like. It's Stevie Wonder's "I Believe". It doesn't get much more corny that that. (Some of you may recognize it from the end of the movie High Fidelity.

And holy shit is it the mushiest of mush and *so* not my style but I've listened to it about 3 times now.

I'm mulling over something that happened last night between my husband and I and I just cannot help but be absolutely amazed at the love I have for this man.

I swear he understands me better than I understand myself sometimes.

Gawd I love him.

Prodigy - Voodoo People (Pendulum Remix)

2007-07-12T22:47:00.001-04:00

This video is fucked up.

I like the music but, damn, I can't decide whether the video just makes me ill or whether I find it fascinating in a sick sort of way.

It's like I want to pscho-analyse the whole thing...

Damaged Soul

2007-07-11T16:15:00.000-04:00

That's what I am.

I cannot get a handle on things at the moment.

I don't know if it's just hormones or coming off one of my meds, or just the same old whining I always do.

Lately I'm back to having more dark moods than anything else.

I'm not suicidal but I'm starting to think that everyone and everything would just be better off without me.

I'm a waste of a good life.

Millions would kill to be in the position that I'm in, but no, nothing is ever good enough for me and I appreciate nothing.

It's no fucking wonder I loathe myself. I'm one of those goddamn emo whiners that I can't stand.

Why am I so fucked up?

Why am I so incredibly selfish and self-indulgent all the time?

I don't have the right to be the way that I am.

All I know is that I'm choking on the darkness inside and lately the pain gets worse everyday.

The walls are closing in.

The universe in my head

2007-06-16T00:17:00.000-04:00

My existence and the universe as I know it are all in my head.

No one else shares my perceptions or my experiences, or even my reality for that matter.

We are all alone in the universe.

We are all bubbles that float through the air sometimes bouncing off each other with only our surface tension holding our lives together.

Certain bubbles are somehow stronger and are able to float through space for a long time. Other bubbles are weaker and cannot survive this world as they burst, extinguishing all traces of their simple beauty.

My reality is incapsulated within my bubble. It is all I know.

When I die, my reality dies with it. Space and time cease to exist. The bubble has burst and will touch no others.

Throughout my life I continue to struggle with these concepts. I cannot fathom how human beings can feel so connected and yet remain so existentially separate.

How do we know what is real? Is there a deeper level of understanding beyond sentience that we have not achieved as of yet?

When I think of my reality and how it relates to the universe, I am often left feeling as though I have just woken from a dream that is forgotten as soon as I become fully awake and aware. I know that I had a dream...the imprint of dreaming on our awareness is unmistakable. The details and concepts of the dream, however, have slipped through my grasp leaving only confusion and a sense of loss.

Is this the price of existence? To constantly feel that something is at the tip of our tongues? To constantly know that there are things we may never understand?

I guess the question is...does accepting the things you will never understand leave you hollow and wanting, or does it fill you will comfort and determination?

Some days I really wish I believed in something because it seems to me that faith would make my universe just a little easier.

For now I'll just float.

Miscellaneous Whining

2007-06-15T18:21:00.000-04:00

Totally bummed out today.

Don't know why.

Probably the same old story...

Seriously, why do I even exist???

Mount Fuji

2007-06-11T10:30:00.001-04:00

Not only is it hot...

But MOTHERFUCKING GOD, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK WITH THE FUCKING GODDAMN ZITS AL-FUCKIN'-READY!!!!

MY FACE NEVER LOOKED THIS FUCKING GODAWFUL EVEN WHEN I WAS A PISSY FUCKIN' TEENAGER!!!

I USED TO HAVE SKIN THAT LOOKED LIKE PORCELAIN NOW I'VE GOT A NEW FUCKIN' MOUNT FUJI EVERY FUCKIN' WEEK SO MY FACE IS NEVER CLEAR OF ANY GODDAMN FUCKING ZITS OR FUCKIN' SCARS.

HOSTIES DE POURRIS DE CALICE DE TABERNACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(yes, I'm irritated at the moment)

And one more thing.....

THE SEATBELT LIGHT IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10th Wedding Anniversary

2007-06-07T00:28:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago today our ceremony had the following reading:

Apache Wedding Blessing

Now you will feel no rain,
For each of you will be shelter to the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
For each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there is no more loneliness,
For each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two bodies,
But there is only one life before you.
Go now to your dwelling place
To enter into the days of your togetherness
And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

Most days it feels like it's just me and him against the world, but I'll take all the struggle there is if it means I get to share my life with him.

I love you babe, and I always will.

Here's to many more decades...

whiplash

2007-06-06T12:13:00.000-04:00

Eh...not so hot again today.

I'm a bundle of nerves about the hockey game tonight. I never, ever imagined myself getting so wound up about hockey! My Ottawa Senators are down 3 games to 1 in the Stanley cup playoffs. Tonight is do or die time.

Other than that, I'm just in a bad state of mind about all the usual crap.

My skin looks like hell and I'm fighting very hard not to keep making myself bleed today.

I think I can fight it today.

I'm just not feeling very valued as a person lately. I know the only one who can make me feel like that is myself...I'm not blaming anyone else.

Eh...who am I kidding? I am blaming other people but I wish I wasn't because I know blaming other's isn't the most constructive way to deal with things.

I just wish I didn't hope/expect so much of people. I'm extremely selfish in that regard.

I just want to be important to people, ya know?

I'm important to my husband and I'm important to my best friend overseas, but it just seems that all the other people in my life would happily push me aside when something/someone else is available without a second thought.

I just don't matter.

And really...why should I care? Why do I get so invested?

It's the height of self-absorption to get hurt when you feel you don't matter to everyone you know. A lot of people don't even have what I have...a soulmate for a husband and a best friend who totally "gets me"...so why should anything else matter?

I should just fucking grow up.

I think part of my problem is that for some reason I get lonely much more frequently in this city than I do back home.

After all, here I've only got my husband and one set of relatively new friends.

At least back home, everything was familiar and we saw family and friends much more frequently making my solitary weekdays seem like a comforting recuperation time as opposed to solitary confinement.

Oh and to top of my bitchfest for today, I've got "beader's block". I've got a ton of beads in front of me but absolutely no inpiration. I really don't feel like doing something as a duplicate just to be working...I'm craving inspiration.

I want to make something new.

I've got nuthin'...

running with scissors

2007-06-05T13:23:00.000-04:00

Well my state of mind seems to be improving despite the fact that I terrorized my skin in the past week.

I look like I just walked through a bramble bush or something...eh well...it'll heal.

In other news:

I had a dream last night that I cut off all my hair.

Note to self: stay away from all scissors today.

:-P

I wonder...

2007-06-01T01:28:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm sittin' here wondering what the hell is going on with me lately??

My mood is dark enough to blot out the sun, my temper is short, I'm withdrawing from people, and little things that would only be a fleeting irritation are bugging the shit out of me.

And, of course, when I'm like this, I dredge up every goddamn thing that has ever hurt me and I wallow and stew in the negative, angry, hurt-filled memories until I don't even know who I am anymore.

I swear I feel like I did before I started taking anti-depressants.

Before the happy-pill days, I always felt like I had darkness within me that constantly weighed me down. It almost felt like I was trapped inside myself...trapped inside a person who hated me. I used to think that I was pure evil inside and it was a daily struggle to keep the evil at bay.

I know how crazy that must sound but that's how I felt.

This week I feel a bit like that again.

I'd like to know what the fuck is going on. I haven't stopped taking my pills or anything.

Are they fucking placebos or something???

What's happening?

Lost My Grip

2007-05-31T23:16:00.000-04:00

I feel like a lie.

A fraud.

People see me as a somewhat screwed up but generally good person.

I even get called "cute" and "sweet" a lot.

I've spent most of my life playing the part of the "good girl", the dutiful daughter, the dependable friend.

If they only knew. But then again, I guess some will know now.

I am all that is selfish and negative in the world.

I am hatred.

I am constant rage.

I am the person who never forgets and never forgives.

I am the person who never lets go.

It's all there, constantly boiling under the surface.

That's the brutal truth.

Everything else is just a facade.

Bad day

2007-05-30T15:15:00.000-04:00

Bad mood.

Angry.

Insignificant.

Lost.

Alone.

Resentful.

All that is bad in me is bubbling at the surface.

I am two people. Sweet, silly, neurotic Amanda. Hateful, angry, bitter Amanda.

Who is the real me?

I'm drowning in bile.

We made brownies and I think we're dead!

2007-05-23T00:30:00.001-04:00

Priceless.

I love the snort someone does in the background.

Damn you John Stewart!!!

2007-05-15T00:31:00.001-04:00

*shakes fist*

Because of your show tonight I now have this song in my head. :-P

It's Sister Christian by Night Ranger in case anyone doesn't know.

sneaker pimps - six underground

2007-05-10T04:10:00.001-04:00

Love this song. Can't find it on PureTracks....bummer.

My Dad is Gay

2007-04-20T12:05:00.000-04:00

My Dad Is Gay

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he ' ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money. '

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, ' Is that really true about your father? '

'No, ' said David, ' He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-17T12:17:00.000-04:00

Oh my fucking god! There was a spider on the inside of the outer patio door this morning.

I swear it was a baby tarantula.

It was black, fuzzy, and had a HUGE abdomen.

It also exploded when I squished it.

*shudders*

I'm still grossed out.

I HATE SPIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Playoff Fever!

2007-04-15T12:13:00.000-04:00

GO SENS GO!!!!!

Aletheuo

2007-04-11T00:18:00.001-04:00

Latest song I like.

WTF is happening to me? I like some pretty strange stuff lately :-P

Poems that make you smile

2007-03-30T14:59:00.000-04:00

My Erotic Double

He says he doesn't feel like working today.
It's just as well. Here in the shade
Behind the house, protected from street noises,
One can go over all kinds of old feeling,
Throw some away, keep others.

The wordplay
Between us gets very intense when there are
Fewer feelings around to confuse things.
Another go-round? No, but the last things
You always find to say are charming, and rescue me
Before the night does. We are afloat
On our dreams as on a barge made of ice,
Shot through with questions and fissures of starlight
That keep us awake, thinking about the dreams
As they are happening. Some occurrence. You said it.

I said it but I can hide it. but I choose not to.
Thank you. You are a very pleasant person.
Thank you. You are too.

By John Ashbury

This poem always makes me smile.

It's the end of it...cracks me up every time.

They finally did it

2007-03-30T12:09:00.000-04:00

My Mom got married on Wednesday!

They eloped so no one was invited but there will be a party some time in the summer to celebrate.

I'm happy for her.

:-)

Bitter:Sweet - The Mating Game

2007-03-26T01:28:00.001-04:00

I FREAKIN' LOVE THIS SONG!!!!

hahaha!

Ice : Dusted Remix

2007-03-26T01:23:00.001-04:00

This is a remix of the song Ice by Sarah McLachlan.

Yep, again it's somebody's fanvid. I don't watch 'em, I just listen and do something else :-P

Love the remix!

Every Woman LOVES Leonardo DiCaprio!

2007-03-22T13:49:00.000-04:00

Note: the following story is based upon actual events although be advised that the writer may or may not have taken descriptive liberties.

~*~

Since all of the T.V. shows we watch are in repeats right now, the hubby decided to rent a movie last night on his way home from work.

He gets to Ye Olde Blockbuster and can't decide what to rent. You see, he tends to like explosions and violence. I can appreciate some good explosions and violence, but there also has to be a plot. He's not quite so picky.

So while he's struggling to avoid renting Balboa because he knows I don't want to see it, an employee walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

He gives the story...ya know..."renting a movie for me and my wife...etc"

The guy gives him that oh so knowing look that says, "ahhh you poor guy, you have to rent something your wife wants to see...I feel for you man".

The Blockbuster guy immediately grabs 2 Leo DiCaprio movies and says, "Every woman LOVES Leonardo DiCaprio!".

Hubby raises his eyebrows and says to the guy, "you don't know my wife".

The Blockbuster guy insists that I will love the Leo movies so my hubby chuckles and says that he's just going to have to call me. So he wanders along the New Releases wall and fishes out his phone to call me, all the while the blockbuster guy is surreptitiously trailing him to eavesdrop. The guy is so sure I want to see the Leo movies and is just waiting for his moment of triumph.

So after getting me on the phone and suggesting the two movies with Leo in them, he gets pretty much the answer, "Don't they have Di-CRAP-rio in them? OH HELL NO!"

I cannot stand Leonardo DiCaprio. He just irritates the shit out of me.

Hubby starts to laugh and hangs up.

He looks over at the Blockbuster dude who is trying his hardest to look nonchalant and says, "told ya, she hates that guy".

Blockbuster dude is crestfallen.

(ok well maybe not crestfallen, but possibly a little surprised that a female of the species does not,in fact, want to see a DiCaprio film.)

Hubby picks out two other movies...one incidently that he doesn't even want to see and comes home to tell me the whole story of the DiCaprio Incident of 2007. (oh come on, everyone loves a little dramatic flair)

The moral of the story?

Not all women love Leonardo Di-CRAP-rio but apparently one Blockbuster dude has a hard-on for him.

Made out like a bandit!!!

2007-03-11T12:38:00.000-04:00

Woohoo!

I went to the Bead Oasis show in the Metro Toronto Convention Centre yesterday and totally made out like a bandit.

I've now got OOOOODLES of beads!

I'm still on a high. I just keep arranging and fondling the beads. Heh. I'm like a kid in a candy store.

As usual, it's a little overwhelming when I first get to the bead show. The crowds are usually pretty bad which freaks me out and then there are just so many damn beads around that I get a little giddy. You have to have a strategy though or you'll go broke in 5 minutes flat. First I take the time to do a pass around the whole show, checking out the various prices of each booth and seeing where everything is located. It's only once you've seen it all that you can really see where you're going to find the best deals for the beads you want.

There was this one table that was utterly a godsend. Everything was a deal there. One table was assorted chips and you could buy 4 strands for $10.00. Needless to say I spent a lot of time there.

All in all I'd say I saved over $350.00. I purchased all sorts of semi-precious stones and chips, 15 feet of silver plated chain, 60 yards combined of silver and gold plated wire, and lots of silver and gold plated clasps and earring wires. Oh and I almost forgot I also bought one rose quartz pendant at half the price it would have cost in a retail store.

Oh my god I'm in heaven. I hardly know where to start.

Beads put me in my happy place :-)

playing dress-up

2007-03-01T12:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got the urge to play dress-up.

Yep, I'm almost 35 and I still play dress-up sometimes. Come on now, I bet you do too.

Anyhow, I got out my make-up and did myself up in a way I'd never done before. It was a bitch to wash it all off but I have to admit, I loved it. I've never put on so much eyeliner in my entire life!

Then I had my very own photoshoot. Most of the photos were absolutely horrible but I kept going in the hopes that taking 30 or so pics would end up with at least one decent picture. Well, I ended up taking WAY more than 30, and I deleted all but about 3 or 4 of them. Heh. It was fun though just hamming it up.

The funniest part is that I normally HATE having my picture taken. I almost never take good pictures. I'm very fat and I usually have a very hard time getting a decent facial expression out of myself when my picture is being taken. That makes it all the more fun when I get in the mood to play around. Well, I have to be in the mood for it...LOL...because I'm going to end up taking tonnes of pics and only keeping a couple!

Anyways, I narrowed down the pics and played around with them in paint shop pro.

When I look at these pictures, especially the one above, I can't help but think that it doesn't even look like me.

But I guess that's sort of the whole point of playing dress-up, isn't it?

Blackmore's Night--Down

2007-02-23T18:47:00.001-05:00

Another Blackmore's Night song that I really like.

I always find these things in homemade fanvids but at least this one isn't so bad...it's to Pirates of the Caribbean.

February always sucks

2007-02-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

February is the cruellest month.

This February my aunt died.

February is also the month that my dad died.

The other day I found out that my sister is selling her house...the house we both grew up in.

I think it'll actually be a good thing in the long run but right now it feels like the last little bit of my tenous hold on the times when we were altogether and doing "better" is being sold.

Don't get me wrong...I had a fucked up childhood. But the times when it was good...it was really good.

Growing up very sheltered with a father that was the be-all and end-all of my universe and my Granpa living next door was absolutely wonderful at times. After my dad died we were still all together in a lot of ways. I moved into my Granpa's house right next door to my sister who still lived in our childhood home. Even though there were so many things that drove me nuts about living next door to my sister, I guess I still cherished the link to my family.

When I moved to a different city and sold my Granpa's house (in February by the way) , it was very hard on me. It was like a betrayal somehow...selling a house that had been in my family since before I was born.

It really didn't help that I grew up so sheltered. I was stunted in a way. I didn't do all of the "normal" things that other kids did. Spending time with my family was pretty much the only existence I knew. I didn't do a lot of the rebellious crap that most teenagers did...I also never even considered moving out on my own and getting my first apartment at the time when most of my peers were just bursting at the seams to be independent. I know it's not totally my fault...my father fostered the dependence since he needed us so much.

But I'm still paying for it now. My growth as a human being seems all the harder now because I'm older and I keep feeling like I should be able to let go of my childhood. I should be able to let go of my intense sadness of losing the houses I grew up in, and the one street I spent my entire life on. I have an abnormally strong connection to it all I think and I can't seem to let go of it.

When I moved, I still took some comfort in the fact that my sister was still living in our family home. Yeah she completely trashed it, but at least my family was still there in some way.

Now she's selling it. She has to...I really don't blame her and I think that it will be difficult but good for her in the end because she's just as emotionally stunted as I am.

But the last little bit...the last little connection to my father is slipping away.

I feel nothing but sadness lately. I know it's all situational with everything that's going on because my happy pills aren't even making a dent in it. I know it will get better but I still worry.

Will I always feel such darkness within me?

I have so many things to be happy about. I've got an incredible husband whom I adore, I've got dogs and cats that make me smile and laugh, and I've even made new friends where I live now.

Why is it never enough?

I've always been a firm believer that you may start out with crappy circumstances in life, but it is always your choice how you live your life as an adult. So why can't I seem to make the choice to let go and be happy now?

Some days it feels like there is no hope.

I want to believe that one day I'll stop being so selfish and I'll actually cherish the good things in my life instead of squandering them in a mass orgy of self-pity.

I'm so afraid that I'll only figure the whole thing out once it's too late.

Kyle XY music video - I still remember

2007-02-19T15:39:00.001-05:00

Ok, this video sucks absolute shit but I like the song...it's great to sing along with! The song is I Still Remember by Blackmore's Night.

She's gone.

2007-02-04T16:33:00.000-05:00

My Aunt died this morning.

Early in January she was rushed to the hospital. It was discovered that she had 2 anneurisms at the back of her head. The same night she had a massive heart attack and the doctors didn't think she was going to make it through the night.

She did.

She slowly began to stabilize so they went ahead and operated on her anneurisms.

She came through it well.

Just last week she began to be able to get out of bed and walk around with a walker by herself. Her brain was recovering as well with her memory coming back and she was able to converse normally with people again.

Everything was going well.

This morning she had another heart attack and died.

She's gone.

What do you see?

2007-01-29T00:36:00.000-05:00

What do you see when you close your eyes?

For as long as I can remember I see myself lying prone...naked... streaked with my own blood.

It's not an everyday thing, thank god, but it's just awful how it can hit me out of nowhere like a sucker punch to the gut.

Is this the visual representation of all my demons? My guilt? The things I try to hide from myself?

The compulsion is the worst part. It's like teetering on the edge of a subway platform with a voice whispering in my ear, "it's just one step...take it".

I see the blood in my head.

I see the knife nearby.

I feel the compulsion to make it real.

As if somehow a single, shallow slice will open up a vaccuum and suck out all of the darkness within me.

It's been months since I gave in.

-Just one slice...nice and shallow...no one will know.

-You'll feel better...really.

-Just enough blood to see it...that's all.

-You're nothing. You deserve the scars and the shame.

-It's your pennance. It's inevitable.

-It's the only way to feel alive and numb all at once.

-Just one slice...nice and shallow...no one will know.

Nope.

Not going to give in tonight either.

I win.

Banned Burger King Commercial - Safety Dance BK

2007-01-24T13:45:00.001-05:00

This shouldn't be as funny as it is but it made me laugh! Heh!

Pachelbel Rant

2007-01-17T15:10:00.001-05:00

HILARIOUS!!!

outta smokes!

2007-01-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

Gonna try the no-smoking thing for a bit and see how it goes.

Oh, Happy New Year and all that jazz.

Metropolis - Center of the Sun

2006-12-20T09:50:00.001-05:00

This is a fan vid or something for an anime called Metropolis. I'm not a fan of anime but I absolutely love this song! It's Center of the Sun by Conjure One.

Favourite song of the moment!

change blows

2006-12-18T00:41:00.000-05:00

Everything is so different this year.

Mostly it blows.

Don't get me wrong, hubby and I have met some wonderful people since we've moved here. We haven't known them long but already we adore all of them.

But I miss the way things used to be.

I miss our big Christmas parties every year. Our friends and family would all pile into our little house with our gigantic Christmas tree and proceed to get loud and crazy. Everyone always had so much fun.

I know it's a silly and selfish thing to be down about but I also miss that we seemed to be the center of everyone's world. We were the ones expected to hold the Christmas party (as well as several others) at our house each year.

A couple of months ahead of each party, people would start asking us when it was going to be so they could make sure that night was free. One year we decided not to have our summer party and everyone gave us shit for two years straight.

And I miss the history.

I miss the history of having Christmas on the street I grew up on.

I miss the history of my old house...it was my grandfather's house.

I miss the history of my relationships. At any given gathering, everyone felt comfortable with everyone else because we all knew each other and had known each other for years.

FFS, I've known my best friend for 20 years now.

This year it's all new with no history and I'm finding it difficult.

There's no snow, my tree(while fat)is smaller than usual, there will be no big Christmas party will all my friends and family, and I have no history with my friends here.

Yes I know, it takes time to build up new traditions...new history...but I'm not so good with waiting.

Change blows.

Let the mocking commence

2006-12-06T13:05:00.000-05:00

Mock me because last night I woke up suddenly due to choking on my own drool. I then proceeded to cough and hack for an hour. Of course, coughing and hacking uncontrollably makes my eyes and nose run nonstop.

Picture it:

-my red stunned and sleepy face, me hacking and coughing uncontrollably, a pile of wadded up used tissues around me, tears streaming down my face, and me constantly swallowing the sudden copius amounts of drool collecting in my mouth.

Finish the picture off with a burp because of all the swallowing.

So attractive I know. You can hardly stand it.

It's a curse, I tell ya.

*snort*

humbug

2006-12-04T16:29:00.000-05:00

I started decorating the house today.

Holy hell it's depressing me.

Everytime I pulled another Santa or Nutcracker out of the box I had to choke back tears.

Meh...think I'll go soak my head.

WTF is wrong with me???

2006-12-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

Gaaah!

Three times in the last 2 weeks I've forgotten to take my meds.

Forgot again tonight and am now all fucked up.

It sucks because I was having such a great day too.

Hubby brought breakfast in bed and we watched Penn & Teller:Bullshit!. In the afternoon we went out with some friends and had fun then had a nice dinner. We finished the evening off with some wine that was flavoured with cherries and chocolate (I'm drooling just thinking about it).

The day kicked ass!

And now I'm all messed up because I'm a dork and forgot to take my pills.

*sigh*

ABC survey thingie

2006-11-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

Yeah I'm a sucker for these things...

The Letter A

Are you available?: In what sense? For a date? No. To save the world? I'm not so good in a crisis situation. For a friendly chat? Always.

What is your age?: 34

What annoys you?: My neighbours, Rudeness, When utensils don't face the same way on a plate.

The Letter B

Do you live in a big house?: Not huge, but not tiny....just right.

When is your birthday?: April 22

Who are your best friends?: L. and my hubby the manbeast.

The Letter C

What's your favorite candy?: Sour Patch Kids

Who's your crush?: Gerrard Butler...hahaha.

When was the last time you cried?: Almost cried a few minutes ago but it was 'cause of something nice.

The Letter D

Do you daydream?: Sometimes.

What's your favorite kind of dog?: My dogs.

What day of the week is it?: Monday (although it may be Tuesday by the time I finish this)

The Letter E

How do you like your eggs?: Egg salad.

Have you ever been in the emergency room?: Waaaaaay to many times to count...but only a couple of times for myself.

What's the easiest thing ever to do?: Wow, that's a fuckin' deep question. Usually the easiest things to do are the things you're not supposed to do.

The Letter F

Have you ever flown in a plane?: Yes

Do you use fly swatters?: I have but not currently.

Have you ever used a foghorn?: WTF??? No.

The Letter G

Do you chew gum?: Yep, but not often.

Are you a giver or a taker?: Both.

Do you like gummy candies?: Sour gummies. Heh, I almost typed out sour bummies.

The Letter H

How are you?: A little anxious but good.

What's your height?: 5'3 & 3/4"

What color is your hair?: Dyed black with some red dye over it that doesn't really show. (hair experiment gone wrong)

The Letter I

What's your favorite ice cream?: PC Vanilla fudge crackle

Have you ever ice skated?: Of course I have, I'm Canadian! Skating and dogsleds are our main forms of transportation to and from the Igloo ya know.

Do you play an instrument?: Used to play the violin.

The Letter J

What's your favorite jelly bean?: Popcorn...fucked up, I know.

Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: Yes

Do you wear jewelry?: I'm never without my wedding ring and at least one set of earrings.

The Letter K

Who do you want to kill?: Well if I say then that spoils my plan of getting away with it now doesn't it???

Do you want kids?: I'll take a baby that I can trade in in 2 years.

Where did you have kindergarten?: A school that no longer exists.

The Letter L

Are you laid back?: I have laid back opinions and beliefs but as a person, I'm so uptight I'm surprised I don't crap diamonds everyday.

Do you lie?: Often...to cover up why I have scars.

When was your last kiss?: About 15 minutes ago when hubby went to bed.

The Letter M

Whats your favorite movie?: Depends on mood.

Do you still watch disney movies?: Yes...hangs head in shame.

Do you like mangos?: No.

The Letter N

Do you have a nickname?: Mandie, Sweetie, and others that I won't divulge unless I'm really liquored up.

Whats your favorite number?: 6.

Do you prefer night over day?: Yes.

The Letter O

Whats your one wish?: Wishes don't come true if you tell someone else.

Are you an only child?: No.

Do you wish this was over?: Yes...why do I love these things again???

The Letter P

What one fear are you most paranoid about?: Constantly being judged as disgusting. Oh and that spiders will jump on my face like the thing in Alien.

What are your pet peeves?: Inconsiderateness. People who drive the speed limit when I'm in a hurry.

Whats a personality trait you look for in people?: Hmmm...I don't really *look* for anything...it either clicks or it doesn't.

The Letter Q

Whats your favorite quote?: On a good day: "Dust as we are the immortal spirit grows like harmony in music. There is a dark, inscrutable workmanship that reconciles discordant elements." On a bad day: "I am inside someone who hates me."

Does time seem to pass quickly or slowly?: All too fast sometimes.

Are you quick to judge people?: For some things yes and for other things no.

The Letter R

Do you think you're always right?: Fuck yes! (<--sarcasm)

Do you watch reality tv?: Reality t.v. must die.

Whats a good reason to cry?: Out of love.

The Letter S

Do you prefer sun or rain?: Rain. [gollum]The sun burnsssss usss it doessss[/gollum]

Do you like snow?: When I'm inside...yes.

What's your favorite season?: Used to be Autumn...now I'm not sure.

The Letter T

What time is it?: 11:49 pm

What time did you wake up?: 8ish am

When was the last time you slept in a tent?: A long time, thank fuck!

The Letter U

Are you wearing underwear?: Of course.

Do you prefer underwear or thongs?: Thongs are Satan's dental floss.

Underwear or boxers?: Well that's not really up to me.

The Letter V

Whats the worst veggie?: Brussell Sprouts!

Where do you want to go on vacation?: Lots of places.

Where was your last vacation to?: Poconos.

The Letter W

What's your worst habit?: Self destructive crap.

Where do you live? [state]: I live in a permanent state of crazy.

What's your worst fear?: Fear itself.

The Letter X

Have you ever had an x-ray?: Yes

Have you seen the x-games?: No.

Do you own a xylophone?: One of those kiddie ones.

The Letter Y

Do you like the color yellow?: No. Well, yellow flowers can be nice and honeybees are damn cute...but clothing or wall colour??? NO FUCKIN' WAY!

What year were you born in?:1972

Whats one thing you yearn for?: Peace of mind.

The Letter Z

Whats your zodiac sign?: Taurus.

Do you believe in the zodiac?:No.

What's your favorite zoo animal?:ELEPHANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beadin' song

2006-11-03T15:48:00.000-05:00

Beadin', beadin', beadin'
Happiness I'm feelin'
Watch my fingers weavin'
Silamide!

Seed beads, clasps, and chain
Feelin' no pain
Hoping my muse is by my side.

Stitch 'em up
Spiral down
Out of beads?
Go to town!

Beadin' with
Silamide!

Everyday is that Thursday morning.

2006-11-02T12:15:00.000-05:00

I feel very strange today.

Sort of detached...like I'm outside myself looking in.

I see my surroundings as a prison of my own making. The cell door is open but I don't seem to have the will to get up and walk out into freedom.

I've got the car, I've got some money, and the opportunity to go out and do some bead shopping but the idea of leaving just doesn't appeal to me.

The idea of staying here all day doesn't appeal to me either.

I feel like my body and soul are trapped in a barren wasteland.

Strangely enough, I know that I possess the power to lift myself up and out of the wasteland but it's like I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm keeping myself here, stagnating, in order to punish myself for sins I may or may not have even committed.

I'm wasting my life because I feel like a failure.

I've failed my father and I continue to fail myself.

I've failed my father in so many ways. Our relationship was never the healthiest...there was a dependency that crippled the both of us in some ways. He desperately needed to be needed in order to feel happy and like all was right with the world. I needed him to be happy for my world to make sense so I would always make sure that he felt I needed him. The two of us enabled each other which laid the foundations for the troubled times that unfolded before his death.

The fact that he wanted my sister and I to be happy and successful in life was constantly at war with his desperate need for us to be dependent on him.

In my life, I found love. I met my soulmate and while my dad embraced him as a son, there was also a part of him that felt utterly lost. He believed that I no longer needed him and a distance began to grow between us.

His health was also getting worse and after a lifetime of caring for him in what ways I could, I began to resent him for not taking care of himself. I knew he would never live to be an elderly man, but at the same time he would never do the simple things to ensure that he would live as long as he could.

Between him feeling like I didn't need him anymore and me being angry that he wouldn't take care of himself, the distance grew to epic proportions.

He was my hero, my dad that made everyone jealous. His very presence lit up a room and made it feel alive.

But that all changed.

There would be days on end where we would barely speak to each other. The distance was too great and neither one of us could understand what was happening to our once close emotional bond.

My strongest memory of the days before he died was the two of us sitting at the table eating breakfast. The silence was screaming with all the things we didn't know how to say. The fact that he would sit there and not look at me hurt me so much that even know I feel suffocated by the pain. I'm sure the fact that I didn't speak to him caused similar wounds.

His life and his daugher's lives weren't turning out the way that he imagined.

I got married and was working in a bookstore when he had hoped that I would be the first person in the family to get a Ph.D. His rocky marriage with my mother had finally reached the end and they were officially divorced 5 days before he died. His health was getting worse and the doctors were starting to look for cancer. He watched both of his parents die slow, painful deaths from cancer and I believe the prospect of cancer terrified him beyond words. The doctors were also testing his heart again with the belief that he made need heart surgery again. And all through this, we weren't talking.

It seems he had had enough.

While his death was not officially a suicide, I believe he had given up.

He wanted to die.

For two days he refused all food, and we're still not sure about his insulin and other medicines.

For two days we asked, begged, and threatened him and nothing worked.

But I don't think I reached out to him in the way that he needed.

I also never picked up the phone to call his doctor...only threatened to call the doctor.

He didn't need threats and begging from a hurt, angry and resentful daughter. He needed closeness...he needed my love. That was the one part of myself that I with-held from him in my anger. A year's worth of hurt, resentment, and unspoken words was too difficult for me to put aside when he really needed me.

And so he shut us all out.

He refused all care including even our presence. He shut himself away, alone in his room, and deliberately gave up. I'm certain he knew what he was doing.

He went into insulin shock on a Thursday morning before I left for work.

I knew he was having difficulty.

I got him some juice that my sister brought to him but in my anger, I believed that he was fine, just being overly dramatic as he often was about other things.

I left the house for work, cursing him for not taking care of himself.

While I was at work simmering with anger, he lapsed into a diabetic coma and his heart began to falter. His body was too weak and a massive heart attack followed.

I wasn't there when he died.

He is gone and I'm left with all the anger and resentment, and the overwhelming feeling that I failed him.

Everyday is that Thursday morning.

Everyday I fail him.

And now, I don't work, have severe problems with anxiety and depression, leave my house a mess, rarely take care of my husband the way I should, have unhealthy eating habits, jab, cut, and claw at my skin until I bleed and scar, smoke, and have a tendency to be a shut in.

Every day I fail him.

I couldn't save him, so I don't deserve to save myself.

My life has become stagnant as I wait for a day when I can forgive myself for all the things I should have done and didn't.

I live in pennance but as I punish myself those around me suffer as well.

Therefore, continual failure spins around me like a centrifuge...always in motion but never going anywhere.

Everyday I fail.

Post Secret Oct. 29, 2006

2006-10-29T22:17:00.000-05:00

I haven't learned this lesson yet.

Red shoes make me happy

2006-10-29T22:10:00.000-05:00

One day, these will be mine.

Didn't get a chance to say goodbye

2006-10-26T14:14:00.000-04:00

Well, my best friend is off to live in Switzerland today and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

It's my own damn fault really.

I'd been putting off calling her partly because of denial, and partly because I know she was busy as hell trying to get ready to go.

What kind of friend am I that I didn't call to say goodbye?

I called this morning, but I'm sure by then it was too late...there was no answer.

I wish I could have been there to see her off with a hug.

Gaaah...I'm mopey and depressed again.

Hopefully she emails me all her new contact info soon so I can call her.

I'm sad.

"She paints her face to hide her face"

2006-10-25T12:35:00.000-04:00

I finally saw Memoirs of a Geisha this morning.

I'm so glad that I didn't hear much about the movie other than how good it was because I got to see it with mostly fresh eyes. I did see part of it already, but at least no one had really told me the plot so it was a treat to watch the story unfold before my eyes.

The beauty, the grace, the hollow shell of a woman who is only living to please others... Not a life I would ever want for myself, but such a moving story nonetheless.

Oh my god, it did the same thing to me that watching Pride and Prejudice does...makes me hold my breath, clutch at my throat, and sigh the most girly sigh you can imagine.

I needed that.

For now, the Great Mope has gone on pause.

I just want to get all dolled up, be uber-feminine, and be *gasp* demure.

Ok, well I really don't know if I can pull the demure part off but just the idea of it makes me all gushy.

Anyways, the point is, I decided to treat myself this morning.

After dropping the hubby off for work, I came back, made myself a huge cup of nice strong, sweet coffee, listened to the siren call of the cupcakes on the fridge, and settled in to watch a movie.

Coffee, cupcakes, and geishas.

Oh yes.

Alliteration would have been nice there, but it just wasn't in the cards

Now I'm going to sing along to music and bead a pearl and garnet necklace that's just for me...not gonna sell it.

Hell, I may even wear it someday too.

I have a feeling there will be no new scars today.

war

2006-10-24T11:08:00.000-04:00

Fuckin' depressed and feeling alone.

Bah.

Even loners get lonely sometimes.

I feel this insatiable need for attention right now but I just despise the fact that I'm so fuckin' needy at the moment.

Thus, enter the deluge of self-loathing and wallowing.

My whole body is a shrine to self-loathing and it's sickening.

I'm at war and my enemy is the person in the mirror.

2006-10-18T22:28:00.000-04:00

Under the Tusken Sun

Hahaha

My inner voice...

2006-10-17T00:28:00.000-04:00

...has such a potty mouth!

2006-10-16T16:57:00.000-04:00

Delerium- Aria

Love it.

of frogs, wobble cats, and angel feathers

2006-10-16T16:29:00.000-04:00

My Mom and sister came down to visit for the weekend. It's the first time I've seen them both at the same time in over six months!

I have to say that I enjoy having them both here at the same time much more than when they visit by themselves. My mom and sister both drive me crazy but having them both here for the weekend eased the awkwardness and it felt a lot like the fun times we all used to have at our weekly family dinners.

We did lunch and shopping in Port Perry and my mom, who was just dying to see the place, was in heaven.

In one of the antique stores, we found a display of porcelain frogs that just made us laugh. They were 3 for $7.50 so, of course, we had to buy them. I mean where else can you get 3 frogs for $7.50, right?

They also had porcelain wobble animals too. They're sort of like a bobble head but the whole body wobbles on them. I especially loved this orange striped cat with a computer mouse hanging out of it's mouth and these big bug eyes so we bought that too. It seems all the elephants in my house are going to have to make room for 3 silly frogs and a wobble cat!

Next we headed into a store whose sole purpose was to sell angels and fairies. Just like I have a thing for elephants, my mom has a thing for angels so this store was like heroin for her.

The best part about the angel store wasn't my mom jonesin' to buy every single angel in the joint...it was my grumpy-ass husband.

The lady who runs the store was walking around handing out these little white, downy feathers and telling people that they were angel feathers. Corny, I know, but it was still a sweet thing to do.

I mean who doesn't want to play with a white downy feather???

It's not like the feather was going to somehow infect the person with the 10 commandments and a warm, happy, goodwill towards men or anything.

Well, she gets to my husband who immediately launches into how he doesn't believe in all this angel stuff and how it's all too religious for him.

You should have seen the look on the poor woman's face.

It was a combination of abject disappointment that she'd somehow found a lost soul, and utter surprise that she must have somehow opened a portal to hell because why else would one of Satan's spawn be in her store.

I can just see this woman on her deathbed muttering, "if only he'd taken the feather..."

Anyhow, it was a good weekend with 3 frogs and a wobble cat named Chester to show for it.

And one angel feather.

It's mine and he can't have it.

I'm eruditer than you'll ever be!

2006-10-13T12:20:00.000-04:00

On one of the internet forum boards I'm addicted to, this guy tried to make a joke which backfired on him.

He substitued the word "bare" for the word "bear" and tried to explain that he was making a pun. Well, suffice to say, the pun just didn't work. It came off like he honestly didn't know the difference between the two words and he was told as much in the responses to his forum post.

One of his many petulant responses was to say, "I'm eruditer than you'll ever be."

I fucking love it.

I want a t-shirt with that written in elegant script right across my boobs.

Anyone want a pic?

2006-10-12T12:05:00.000-04:00

Of the inside of my purse?

This morning after I dropped my husband off I heard my cell phone making noise in my purse.

By the time I realized what was going on, it had taken 6 pictures of the inside of my purse.

Fuck-All

2006-10-12T00:52:00.000-04:00

Did fuck-all today.

Sat on the couch and watched the 4 or so hour long version of Pride and Prejudice. Loved it.

Now I sit here thinking of how much things have changed since we moved.

The stress of this new place and his new job are taking a toll on him, and I think it's taking a toll on us.

Problem is, there are no easy answers.

Everything is so different back home now that I don't know if it would help or depress me even more if we ended up moving back there.

My Mom and Sister are visiting this weekend. It'll be the first time I spend time with them together in over 6 months. We've certainly come a long way from our family dinner every Sunday night. It'll be nice to see them but at the same time it'll remind me of a life that's gone...a life I'm trying so hard to put away and not think about.

It's like I don't want anything that reminds me of back home.

Shit, I still avoid making this place like a home. I don't keep it clean like I used too...sometimes dishes will sit in the kitchen for a couple of days before I'll get around to cleaning the mess up. I've also barely done any painting so most of the walls aren't even colours I'd choose for myself. There's even tons of boxes in the basement that we never opened.

I know it's because I'm feeling depressed. I just don't feel like doing anything.

It's hard to talk to him about it because he thinks that it's all his fault for moving us here.

It's not but I can't seem to convince him of that.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Half the time I feel like I'm losing him because he's so stressed and depressed. Is this what it's like to live with me???

Fuck, I'm so depressed tonight and there's fuck-all anyone can do about it.

Love this song

2006-10-10T13:32:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's got into me lately. I never used to like electronica before but right now it seems I can't get enough of it.

This song is stuck in my head at the moment.

Full Moon by Robert Miles

My gushy, girly centre.

2006-10-05T11:07:00.000-04:00

I'm not what you'd call feminine.

I never have been.

I've been blessed with the bone structure and the muscles of a gorilla (well, a short armed gorilla anyway). I can even do leg squats with my large husband on my back.

I do not have delicate feminine features.

Throughout most of my life I've had very short hair because of it's unruly nature.

I do not have a delicate female laugh, in fact, I've been known to snort if you get me laughing hard enough.

I sweat when I'm hot. And I'm not talking about a girly glow, I'm talking full on streams of sweat running down my face.

I have the grace of a bull in a china shop, especially when I'm nervous, which coincidently is most of the time.

I make jewelry but rarely wear it. To put jewelry on me often makes me feel like I'm draping a cow with finery.

And to top it off, I'm not given to mushiness or public displays of affection.

As a result, I often lament the fact that I don't feel feminine. I sometimes wish I could experience what it is like to be the slight, delicate female who can be picked up and manhandled by a strong masculine man.

But there are times when my girly, gushy centre swells and bursts forth in all it's femininity. There's just something about the works of Jane Austen that will make even the "butchest" of women quiver inside.

This morning I watched Pride and Prejudice and am left with the inescapable need to let slip a girly sigh. When Mr. Darcy tells Miss Elizabeth that she has, "bewitched him body and soul", I find myself clutching at my throat and holding my breath. I love it. I can't get enough of it.

Escaping into this world is the only time I feel like a woman.

*girly sigh*

2006-10-05T02:48:00.001-04:00

Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line

Second favourite song of the moment!!

2006-10-05T02:48:00.000-04:00

Zero 7 - Home

Favourite song of the moment!

The more things change...

2006-09-29T12:08:00.000-04:00

...the more they stay the same.

Back home in Ottawa, our phone number was one digit off from a Theatrical/Dance/Costume shop called Malabar. We would regularly get people calling for this place, especially as it got closer to Halloween since they rented out costumes.

I'm in a totally different city now and, I shit you not, I just got a call asking for the very same shop. (Well, probably not exactly the same, I'm sure they've got a location here...LOL)

Apparently no matter where I go, I'll always get calls from people wanting to rent costumes from Malabar

Too funny.

Hell has frozen over

2006-09-22T16:51:00.000-04:00

I'm not wearing a single item of black clothing today.

Not even my shoes.

Srsly.

Cat allergies and Visitors

2006-09-08T12:55:00.000-04:00

I have 3 cats.

My sister in law is terribly allergic to cats.

Normally when she would visit, I would spend 2 days cleaning. I'd vaccuum a couple of times, wash all the curtains in the house, lint brush and vaccuum all the furniture, and sweep and wash all floors plus other assorted cleaning. Once I finished all that and the air had settled, I'd also spray down everything I could with allergy reducing spray.

Basically by the time I finished doing all this I'd be really tired and sore.

Now she knows that she's really allergic to cats but she absolutely refuses to take allergy pills before she comes to our house because she says they make her feel spacey when she drinks wine. The thing is, no matter how much I clean, I'm not going to get everything and usually within 10 minutes she starts having a great deal of trouble.

At this point we offer allergy pills.

She refuses.

She continues to suffer.

Her husband then starts with the, "are you having trouble, do you want to leave?", which makes me feel really shitty.

It makes me feel like I should have cleaned harder and more thoroughly. It also makes me feel like they don't actually want to see us because why else would she not take any allergy pills knowing full well that within 10 minutes she'll be having a massive allergy attack.

I find myself getting so fucking resentful and it's awful. Everytime I hear, "you're having trouble, do you want to go?", I just want to shout out, "just fucking leave already!!!!!".

And now to make it worse, this new house has wall to wall carpeting so there's no way in hell I'm going to get this place clean enough no matter how much I try.

So why should I fuckin' bother when she'll refuse to take allergy pills anyway?

Christ I'm grumpy.

I haven't seen them in over 6 months and I actually really like them but I always feel so awful when they visit...like I'm a bad host because of her allergies or something.

I'm at the point now where I'm angry and they haven't even arrived yet!

Gaaaaah!!!!!!!

2006-08-18T02:09:00.000-04:00

Sleepthief featuring Jody Quine -

Oh my fucking god I love this song!!!!!!

The myth of Orpheus and Eurydice has always been my favourite.

And now there's a beautiful song about it!

What's your bumper sticker?

2006-08-08T14:08:00.000-04:00

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to!

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

sleep plucking?

2006-07-27T15:15:00.000-04:00

I wake up this morning and go about my usual morning routine. While I'm in the bathroom washing my hands I look in the mirror.

WTF???

I swear a third of my right eyebrow is practically gone.

Am I plucking in my sleep or something?

Now I have been known to carry on conversations while asleep. Heck, I've even folded laundry in my sleep (which is quite a feat since I don't even fold laundry while I'm awake), but now have I started plucking my eyebrows in my sleep???

Somehow I doubt it, but really, where did my eyebrow go?

This is fucked up.

I think I'm going to arbitrarily blame gnomes because they're shifty little buggers.

More on comments

2006-07-22T23:56:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm trying "word verification" on the comments instead of having to approve all the comments manually.

Let's see how this goes.

Sorry folks

2006-07-20T23:09:00.000-04:00

I had to set it so I approve the comments coming in.

I've been spammed twice now and it's irritating to track through and delete them all.

Don't be surprised if you're comment doesn't show up right away!

Sorry!

2006-07-20T15:14:00.000-04:00

No One Is To Blame - Howard Jones

This one's for you Dave.

This is such a great song.

2006-07-20T14:50:00.000-04:00

Nik Kershaw-Somebody Love You

If you thought Duran Duran was bad, here's my 80's heart-throb.

I was *SO* in love with this guy! Heheheee!

I'm such a nerd!!!!!

2006-07-19T13:14:00.000-04:00

I'm having so much fun re-living Duran Duran's glory days

Here's the thing.

I grew up very sheltered and I didn't even know that pop and rock music existed for the longest time until a friend in middle school introduced me to Duran Duran.

You could say they were my first

I haven't listened to them in...well...a couple of decades. LOL

Because of a Duran Duran thread on a message board I'm on, I went onto YouTube and found a whole bunch of their old hits.

I am having so much fun listening to this stuff!

I swear I'm going to unpack my turntable and albums so I can play them...hehehehee.

For you younguns, albums are the big black discs that you play on something called a record player.

This is fun!

I feel like such a nerd and I don't care!!!!

Hahahaa!

2006-07-19T00:53:00.000-04:00

The Reflex- Duran Duran

Screw this innner child stuff. I'm bringing out my inner teenager!!!!

When does it fall away?

2006-07-14T13:28:00.000-04:00

I watched a movie this morning.

It was just one of those relationship movies. You know the type...friends become lovers...someone screws up...they both learn from mistakes...they get back together and have a happy ending.

Part of the plot of the movie was that the lead female character's mother committed suicide way back when. At one point in the movie, the father and daughter (female lead) have a heart to heart because they both feel responsible for the mother's suicide.

Cut to Mandie in tears.

I still feel responsible for my father's death.

No matter how much I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, there's still this part of me that thinks I didn't try hard enough to get through to him.

And it's crippling me.

When does it all fall away? When do I start to really believe myself when I say that I couldn't have done anything to make him want to keep on living?

I know it's changed me. I know it's paralyzing me.

I know he wouldn't want me to live this way.

But I don't know how to make it stop.

I don't know how to stop blaming myself.

I don't know how to stop hurting.

We have GOT to move!

2006-07-13T13:40:00.000-04:00

Oh my fucking god, we have got to move!!!!

I just went out on the back deck to have a smoke and play with the dogs.

You think you'd have some privacy in your backyard, right?

Not in my case!!!!

I just had a snot-nosed pre-pubescent fucking twat of a kid who's balls haven't dropped yet stand on his deck behind our house and tell me that we should really cut our lawn.

I had a zillion snarky replies on the tip of my tongue but in the interest of not starting a neighbour war, I didn't say any of them.

Why can't people just mind their own fucking business??????

It's bad enough that the people behind us can just stand on their deck and look into my backyard but to have some little shit try to instruct me on how we should take care of our property is just too fucking much!

The kicker is, the lawn was just mowed. We just didn't whipper snip the edges around the fence yet. Excuse the fuck out of me if our property isn't as immaculately kept as his mummy and daddy keep theirs.

Fucking hell, I didn't realize we had to meet up with this little fuckhead's approval!

We've got no privacy and neighbours who are into everybody's business.

I can't take much more than this or I will be known as the cunt of the neighbourhood.

We're *so* going to move as soon as we can.

I am a lazy sloth!

2006-07-12T15:01:00.000-04:00

I don't remember the last time I've had such an incredibly lazy day.

I have done nothing!

I got up at eleven, had coffee and strawberries, and proceeded to watch movies while it rains and pours outside.

It's now almost 3pm, I'm still in my jammies, haven't even taken a shower yet, and the kitchen is still a mess.

Funny thing is...I don't actually feel guilty about being such a lazy sloth today.

*laughin' at myself*

How could I forget to mention?!?

2006-07-11T10:54:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday I rode an Asian Elephant!!!!!!

Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely adore elephants. I think they're beautiful and amazing creatures.

Last Saturday hubby and I took my brother in law, his wife, and our two nieces to the Bowmanville zoo. A good time was had by all but I have to say the most memorable thing for me is, of course, riding and touching an elephant.

When they brought the elephant out for people to take rides on, they walked it right past me...no more than 10 feet away from me with no fences or anything. Just an elephant walking by me.

I just had to follow it. I practically left my niece in her stroller just sitting there while I followed in absolute awe of this elephant.

I got up the nerve for a ride but because of my weight and short legs, it was difficult for me to get on the elephant's back so I ended up sitting at the very back. Because of where I was I really couldn't touch the elephant's skin. So when the ride was over, I asked the zookeeper if I could just briefly touch the elephant's head. She obliged and one of my biggest dreams came true.

Last Saturday I had my right hand on the head of an elephant.

I was so happy I just about cried.

It was amazing and I'll never forget it.

Good Times

2006-07-11T10:40:00.000-04:00

So my best friend popped by last night for dinner.

It was such a nice surprise considering she lives 4 hours away! She was in Toronto for a conference and then came for a visit on her way back.

We invited her to stay the night so she wouldn't have to drive back at night and sure enough she did, so we had a blast last night!

I don't think I've laughed quite that hard in a while. You know, the kind of laughing that makes your face and your stomach hurt but you just can't seem to stop.

It was awesome.

Good times!

2006-07-06T13:51:00.000-04:00

Funny Cats

homesick

2006-07-05T11:26:00.000-04:00

Wow, this morning I am really fuckin' homesick.

As in, curl up in bed and cry kind of homesick.

It hasn't been this bad since the first few weeks.

more on the 5 legged cow

2006-07-03T13:49:00.000-04:00

After some joking around this weekend I've decided that the 5 legged cow represents evolution at it's finest.

The fifth leg is an anti-tipping device.

:-P

sun sensitivity

2006-07-01T12:58:00.000-04:00

I never used to be so sensitive to the sun but some of the meds I'm on now make me a little vampiric I think.

Now when my skin is in the sun for 10 minutes or so, I start to blister. The thing is, I blister BEFORE I burn.

So now I've got blisters that got itchy, and of course, being me I scratched at them.

Yay! I look diseased. :-(

I'll just tell everyone I'm a vampire and am trying to work up my tolerance for the sun. :-P

Had a scare tonight

2006-07-01T00:29:00.000-04:00

Tonight one of my dogs started collapsing and having seizure-like behaviour.

It scared the hell out of us.

He did that once before a couple of years ago and the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him in his test results. The only thing the vet mentioned the first time was that he might have a tumour on his pancreas but the tests didn't show anything. Tonight, a few hundred dollars later, the tests didn't find anything again.

Nearest we can all figure is that he fell down the stairs and got a concussion. We heard him fall down the stairs, but we have no idea if his seizure-like behaviour started before or after the fall.

At one point while they were off at the vets, I got so upset and was wondering if my "curse" was catching up to me. The last few animals I've had have all died at the age of four. Now this guy has made it to 5 but I still wondered if I was going to have another pet die young. All sorts of things go through your head when you're waiting to find out what's going on. The waiting is the worst part sometimes.

The poor guy isn't quite back to himself yet but he's doing fine. Hubby and I are more of a wreck than he is at this point...we're still coming down from the scare of it all.

This guy is the first dog I've ever had and love the big goofball so much. I'm so glad he's ok!

This post probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm tired and stressed out.

But my goofy guy is fine!

I feel like I've seen it all.

2006-06-30T19:43:00.001-04:00

I went to the Bowmanville Zoo yesterday with a couple of new friends and we had a great time.

It was a day full of whining about the heat, peacocks and zebras gettin' it on, llama slobber, and, I shit you not, a cow with 5 legs.

This poor cow has a 5th leg that grew out of it's back. It just dangles there uselessly and I have to say, it just looks SO WRONG!!!

My highlight of the day was getting to see an Asian elephant scratching it's butt on the fence. As my friend Finn said, "it had all the grace of a Japanese highrise in a 5.5 richter earthquake".

They do elephant rides at this zoo so one day I'm hoping to go back and get one. I don't have a burning desire to actually ride one, but to touch an elephant would be an experience of a lifetime for me.

Anyhow, I ended with a sunburn and the feeling pretty baked after but it was a lot of fun.

I'd love to go back!

1 Comment

hubby said...

Ohhhh .... That's not Right!

4:20 PM

I hate being hot!!!

2006-06-30T19:43:00.000-04:00

Oh my god I HATE being hot!!!!

I find it so incredibly embarrassing!

My forehead sweats, my upper lip sweats...I feel completely gross!

For some reason, I have it in my head that people who see me are totally going to judge me. They're going to think, "wow that fat chick can't handle the heat, she's so disgusting".

It's as if I think that skinny people never get hot when I know damn well that when I was skinny (yes, I was skinny once) I couldn't handle the heat then either.

Gaaaah!

Note: Originally published June 28, 2006.

Crappy Survey

2006-06-30T19:41:00.001-04:00

SUCKY CRAP THAT SUCKS A LOT

1. Does your middle name suck?

-Yes and no. Sucky name but neat spelling.

2. If you were a really fucked up spider, how many legs would you have?

-No legs.

3. What crappy food would you totally annhihilate from the earth?

-Brussell Sprouts...I dunno...

4. What is the crappiest color?

-Anything resembling puke.

5. Crappiest season of the year:

-Summer when it's really humid.

6. A crappy person that needs to get shot:

-Ann Coulter

7. Crappiest school picture you've ever had:

-Every single one.

8. Crap that pisses you off the most:

-Can't decide.

AWESOME CRAP

1. Names that don't suck that you might name your kids, providing that you have them:

-Maria, William

2. Favorite ice cream float:

-Never had a float.

3. A person you want to visit:

-Dunno

4. Favorite weapon:

-Intelligence

5. What is an awesome thing you own?

-My coffeemaker (hey, this morning it was pretty awesome)

6. Best song ever:

Can't pick just one...
-Lola by the Kinks
-Old Man by Neil Young
-When Ye Go Away by the Waterboys
-Love Song by The Cure

I dunno, there's more but I can't think of them...

GIMME SOME OF THAT CRAP

1. What's the #1 piece of crap that you want to own?

-A pool

2. What piece of crap car are you going to buy when you've got money and crap?

-Dunno...Toyota maybe.

3. Crap you're going to study at college:

-I have an honours degree in Psychology

4. The next piece of crap that you'll probably buy:

-Heh, more hair conditioner, materials to make trellises and a garden in the backyard

CRAP THAT'S GONE

1. A person that you miss:

-My father

2. A place that you miss:

-Home

3. An event that you miss:

-Art in the Garden at Kiwi Gardens back home

4. Day that you miss:

-May 17th

5. Piece of crap that you miss:

-My pool at home

6. A piece of crap that you threw away yesterday:

-Various recylced items, the tape off the walls from painting

7. Something that you DON'T miss:

-asshole customers when I worked

EVERYDAY CRAP:

1. Piece of crap that you step on and yell "FUCK" on the way to the shower in the morning:

-A hairball

2. Crappy state of your room:

-Laundry everwhere...I hate putting away laundry

3. Crap that you usually eat for lunch:

-Leftovers, Michelina's meal, nothing...

4. Color of your shoes:

-Mostly black but some red shoes too

5. Crap that you say a lot:

-I dunno, there ya go

6. Piece of crap that's in your CD player:

-Mix CD, KT Tunstall, Blues Traveller, Garrity

7. Color of your toothbrush:

-Pink and white

CRAP ABOUT YOU

1. Crap that you like about you:

-My eyes, my silliness when I let my guard down, my sheer iron will when I decide to use it

2. Crap that you don't like about you:

-I am my own worst enemy

3. Crap that you wish you were:

-Skinnier, more self-confident

4. Crap you do well:

-Paint walls, bead stuff

5. Crap that you do/say that you should be smacked for sometimes:

-Self-destructive behaviour, being self-absorbed

6. Color of your hair:

-black that's fading out

7. Color you want your crappy eyes to be:

-Emerald green instead of hazel-green that just looks brown to everybody.

CRAPPY TO-DO LIST:

1. Crap that you'll do today:

-Laundry

2. Crap you'll do tomorrow:

-Maybe more painting or do some beading

3. Crap you'll try to do in the next two months:

-Finish painting the house, finish the backyard

4. Crap you'll do in the summer:

-It is summer, see above.

5. Crap you'll do in the next ten years:

-Fucked if I know.

Note: Originally published June 26, 2006.

What does your birth date mean?

2006-06-30T19:41:00.000-04:00

Your Birthdate: April 22

You tend to be understated and under appreciated.
You have a hidden force to do amazing things, doing them your own way.
People may see you as strange and shy, but they know little.
Your unconventional ways have more power than they (and even you) know.

Your strength: Standing up for what you know is true

Your weakness: You tend to be picky and rigid

Your power color: Silver

Your power symbol: Square

Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Ok, except for the square part, this actually freaks me out a little because it's so dead on.

Note: Originally posted June 24, 2006.

Identified Flying Objects

2006-06-30T19:40:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know, 2 blog posts back to back.

I'm procrastinating getting back to painting...so sue me :-P

Anyhow, there must be an airshow this weekend or something because I'm certainly getting a free airshow right now.

So far, 3 fighter jets have been practicing aerial manoevres over my house. Very cool.

I love fighter jets and actually wanted to be a pilot when I was a kid.

Now there's a spitfire-like plane out there doing barrel rolls and loop-de-loops with smoke trails and stuff.

Did I pick great timing for a break or what?

Note: Originally posted June 23, 2006.

Where does it go?

2006-06-30T19:39:00.001-04:00

Do you ever wonder where your capacity to self-edit goes?

I often do.

Here are my theories:

-the Isle of Forgotten Toys: I bet they're pretty darn angry by now about being forgotten so they need my capacity to self-edit so they can stop swearing.

-The Bermuda Triangle: What the hell. It's mysterious enough innit? I bet it feels misunderstood.

-Aliens: Just like in Star Trek I bet there are aliens betting quatloos on what they can get people to say if they temporarily remove their capacity to self-edit. If it's not some sort of sport, then it's probably just an experiment...but they're still laughing.

Personally, I blame the aliens for this post.

Note: Originally posted June 23, 2006.

What celebrity do you look like?

2006-06-30T19:39:00.000-04:00

To find out go to this website:

Click me!

Go to the "beta" area.

You'll have to register for it to give you your results but it's free.

My Results:

66% Amanda Peet

66% Julianne Moore

66% Geri Hallowell

64% Renee Zellweger

64% Wynona Ryder

61% Joan Fontaine

...and here's the kicker!!!!

61% RUPERT GRINT!!!!!! WTF??????

Okay, I don't really see it with any of them but I CERTAINLY don't see the similarity to Rupert Grint (Ron Weasely from Harry Potter for any that don't know).

Funny stuff!

1 Comment

Lynnie said...

Oh Dear! I can't see the Rupert Grint one at all, but I can see the Amanda Peet a wee bit! Wonder who I look like? And NO, I still do not see any resemblance to Charlize Theron...and I never will! *Remember Oscar night??* lol...

9:38 PM

Note: Originally posted June 20, 2006.

Do you need a laugh today?

2006-06-30T19:38:00.000-04:00

I recommend watching this...

Hooked on a Feeling as you've never seen it before.

Note: Originally posted June 16, 2006.

Hmmm...

2006-06-30T19:36:00.000-04:00

Your Personality Is Like Marijuana

You're laid back and easy going, so much so that taking a shower is often too much trouble for you!
Nevertheless, you're quite popular, and many people enjoy your company. You're rarely turned down.
You're prone to giggle fits, paranoia, and forgetting where you are exactly.

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

2 Comments

Lynnie said...

LOL!! My personality is like cocaine....I love the blogthings!! I had a riot doing some of them.
Now, where's that rolled up $20 bill I left around here...??

6:00 PM

Amanda said...

Hahahhaaa!

6:44 PM

Note: Originally posted June 16, 2006.

I needed that!

2006-06-30T19:35:00.000-04:00

Ok so today was really a day that I needed big time.

Finn`` stopped by and took me out for lunch. I felt so guilty that I had no money and he had to buy me lunch, but whatever, it's on me next time.

I was so incredibly nervous. I don't get out much and I usually don't go anywhere without the hubby but I think it was really good for me. It kinda pushed on all those crazy limits I set up for myself.

Of course, being me, I only really started to relax by the end of lunch, but it's a start right?

Then we poked our noses into a little pet shop by the restaurant and I swear to god I've never seen fatter chinchillas in my entire life! Hahahaaa! I loved them! I just wanted to take them home and watch them bound around. But I think we've got quite enough pets here as it is.

When I got home I played with the dogs, gave my little buddy Gonzo a cuddle and then actually did some productive stuff around the house. Nothing major mind you, let's not go crazy here, but at least I got some stuff done. Before that though, I checked in at the computer because I had left it on while I was out. My cousin in law was still online so I had the greatest chat with her. I hadn't chatted with her in a bit so it was wonderful to catch up.

And then because my life is ever so taxing (huge sarcasm there if ya missed it), I promptly fell asleep on the couch until hubby got home. I don't know what it was I just couldn't keep my eyes open. It was funny though, it was that kind of sleep where you can still hear everything but you know you're asleep. I napped away while Revenge of the Sith was playing in the background. All I could hear was a young Darth Vader whining...hehehehee. For an evil overlord he had such an undignified start to his career don't ya think? :-P

When the hubby got home I was very surprised to see that he wasn't in as bad a mood as I thought he was going to be which was nice. Hopefully things will start to get a little better for him at work.

We then flipped on this really interesting movie called "What the fuck/bleep do we know?" It's actually a movie about quantum physics and I have to say I didn't understand half of it, but the way they illustrate everything is just amazing. It leaves you with that childlike wonder for everything which is an incredible feeling to experience as an adult.

Holy shit!! Life wasn't all doom and gloom today.

Thanks for lunch! :-)

Note: Originally posted June 15, 2006.

For the love of Dog!!!

2006-06-30T19:34:00.000-04:00

If you have a yappy dog, please do the neighbourhood a favour and DO NOT leave it outside when no one is home.

It's been yapping nonstop for about 3 hours now._angry

In other news, the city is changing it's garbage policies. It's to the point now where I just don't know what to do.

Is it garbage, recyclables, or green cart material???

Ugh, they didn't take our garbage yesterday because god forbid it had some recyclables in it. The guy who lived here before us took his blue box with him and I called for another one but they haven't delivered it yet. So what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

And to top it off, they will ONLY be accepting garbage every two weeks now and ONLY in clear bags.

My garage already stinks because they didn't take our garbage yesterday and now it's going to stink because everyone has to use green carts for compostables that will also only be picked up every two weeks.

I feel like I've moved into that city from the XFiles where if you didn't follow the laws exactly, a monster came out and night and killed you.

Everyone is so ANAL RETENTIVE here!!!!

And the dog is still barking.

But at least it's a beautiful day.
(see, I said at least one positive thing)

1 Comment

Hubby said...

I say Fuck'em ... lets dump our garbage on city hall to protest! Motherfuckin' cocksuckers aren't gonna control me man!

3:19 PM

Note: Originally posted June 15, 2006.

For the record...

2006-06-30T19:33:00.000-04:00

Some people are born to moon and some people aren't.

I am not a mooner (or a moonie) and I am not subject to peer pressure. Ok, well, maybe once but that involved a lot of alcohol and a phonebooth...long story.

But I digress.

Not only do I have a rather large behind, but it is almost always wrapped up in a secure blanket of cotton, otherwise known as "the granny panty". On the rare occasion that a "granny panty" won't do, it is most certainly to be found nestled in a lycra supportive undergarment (*cough*girdle-shorts).

These aforementioned undergarments were not meant for public visual displays, as any impromptu unveiling would not only involve a certain loss of dignity, but it would almost assuredly be accompanied by uncontrollable mirth (and/or screams of horror) from the innocent onlookers.

Thus, my friends, I will save you all from an experience that would surely scar you (and by "you" I really mean "me") for life.

I choose not to moon!!!(when sober)

Note: Originally posted June 8, 2006.

The Voiceless Ones

2006-06-30T19:32:00.000-04:00

I'd love to know why I'm prone to violent dreams that leave me shaken for the rest of the day.

Last night I had another doozy.

I won't go into the details because it's pretty horrific stuff but all throughout the dream, the phrase, "the voiceless ones" kept getting repeated. Now I cannot get that phrase out of my head.

What happened to those poor "voiceless ones" was just so disturbing and yet in my dream, they were hallowed people. They were forced to endure extreme torture but then they were robed and treated as though they were sacred.

The only thing is, becoming a "voiceless one" wasn't their choice.

It was brutal and should have killed them but somehow they survived to live a life of agony and misery in which they would never know that they were being worshipped as sacred.

Death would be a far kinder fate than what they endure.

What does it all mean, and why do I have such horrific dreams on a regular basis that haunt me for days?

Note: Originally published June 8, 2006.

Severe mushiness warning

2006-06-30T19:31:00.000-04:00

As corny and sentimental as it sounds, I married my soulmate.

When I first met him, he made me so angry that I basically had a hissy fit and stormed out of the room. Anyone who can get under your skin that fast is either your arch-enemy or your true love.

Mine turned out to be my true love.

When I got to know him a bit better, it was like bells and whistles going off inside me. I had the strongest feeling like I was meant to know this person.

I'm usually the most stubbornly cynical person you'll ever meet, but in this case I really believe we were meant to be.

We've been through a hell of a lot together but through it all we've only become closer.

And today we have been married for 9 years.

I love you with all that I am.

2 Comments

hubby said...

ditto babe

6:48 AM

Amanda said...

Well that was fucking romantic, thanks. *rolling my eyes*

12:57 PM

Note: Originally posted June 7, 2006.

random spewage

2006-06-30T19:30:00.000-04:00

Gawd but it's oppressive out.

Don't you hate it when it feels like it's got to storm outside and it just won't???

I've also been wondering why I love to make jewelry so much but I rarely wear it.

Strange.

And I just got another mosquito bite.

I'm going to go soak my head.

Note: Originally posted June 2, 2006.

anxious, anxious, anxious...

2006-06-30T19:29:00.000-04:00

...and I don't know why...

Yay!!!!

It's that manic kind of anxiety where I can't get myself to settle down and do anything which kinda sucks because if I can distract myself, I can usually settle out.

I've got a great idea for a turquoise and jasper necklace I want to make but can I get myself to concentrate and do it? Nooooo, of course not!

*breathe in*
*breathe out*

Think of elephants.

Note: Originally posted June 2, 2006.

Warning: Dave's new hat

2006-06-30T19:28:00.000-04:00

HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!

I'm just teasin' Sweets, I couldn't help myself :-P

I love you!

Note: Originally posted May 31, 2006.

Do I hear ticking?

2006-06-30T19:26:00.001-04:00

This morning for some reason I really want a baby.

Problem is, I don't want a kid, I just want a baby.

Go figure.

1 Comment

Hubby said...

tic toc tic toc.....

You know I'm up for the challenge
WINK WINK

and we both know what Lucie will say....

1:22 PM

Note: Originally posted May 18, 2006.

Gold Vermillion

2006-06-30T19:26:00.000-04:00

It's still raining but I'm determined not to read any more T.S Eliot today.

Today would have been my father's birthday but instead of getting all depressed like I'm addicted to doing, I'm going to remember the good things.

Yeah, he was fucked up and basically committed suicide, but damn, while he was here he was full of love for my sister and I. It's taken me a long time to realize that just because he gave up on life, it doesn't mean he loved us any less.

He absolutely loved being a father. It's a testament to him that I can look back and see that.

So in honour of my dad, I give you a poem that would have made him laugh his ass off. My husband found this poem written on the stall of a pay-toilet in a shopping mall when he was a teenager.

It goes something like this...

Here I sit lonely-hearted,
Paid a dime and only farted.
Last time I took a chance,
Saved a dime and crapped my pants.

That one's for you Dad.

Love,
Amanda

2 Comments

Hubby said...

Way to go babe! And you got the poem Bang On! Here's to you Mr. G .... Sumo Farts all round!

Lord Windersmear eat your heart out!

3:33 PM

Amanda said...

Hehhee...sumo fart...:-P

3:40 PM

Note: Originally posted May 17, 2006.

I hate...

2006-06-30T19:23:00.000-04:00

...that you're starting to refer to me as Madame Depresso.

'Cause that's what we called my mother and that means you're starting to feel the same way about me as I did about her.

I resent her for the way she was and now it seems like you're going to start resenting me.

I'm sorry I'm like this.

I'm sorry you have to live with someone who is like this.

Note: Originally posted May 16, 2006.